If Something's Not Working, Change It

Oh my gosh, I haven't posted in a really long time! Is Blogger even a valid blog platform anymore? Anyhoo, I thought I'd dust off the old keyboard and finish a post I had started to write way back in December of 2017. Over two years ago!

First I'd like to explain the title of this post. This is courtesy of my wise mama Barb. She has this knack of finding solutions to problems with ease, almost like she has an otherworldly insight into life’s problems. Anytime I bring an issue to her attention, without hesitation she will have an idea. It's always something simple and practical. One of her most common answers? "If something's not working, change it".

I have utilized this advice many times over the years. When Ellie’s therapies were beginning to be too much for us, we opted to take the summers off. Therapy-free summers were renamed "real life therapy", and we have not looked back. We actually see huge gains in Ellie's development during these breaks. When my corporate job was overwhelming, my mom suggested working 4 days instead of 5. I asked my boss, and after some planning and rearranging I was able to have Fridays off. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself! And since I wrote this post, I have quit corporate life and joined Jesse at Stafford Beverage selling booze! What a huge change for me, but a good one. I'm still adjusting to this new role and am finally settling in. Being home at the end of the day to get the kids off the bus has been the biggest bonus with this change. I am so grateful.

The whole point I'm trying to make, is that when you find yourself stuck in a rut, feeling down, and as if things are no longer working, take a step back and make a change. Try talking it out with the ones you love, lean on your mom, mother-in-law, husband, or best friend. Talking it out will help bring out alternative solutions to the surface. And hey, if it doesn't work that is OK too. You can just move on and try something different.

But that brings me to the reason I wrote this post in the first place. Sometimes, something isn’t working right before your eyes and you don’t even realize it. Like the time we found the note in Luke’s backpack. The guilt-inducing, I seriously suck as a mom note. I was sucker-punched, right in my guts.

It was after dinner one cold night in December in 2017. Jesse and I were cleaning out the kid's backpacks, and he happened to flip through one of Luke’s notebooks. Doodles filled the pages, Luke’s signature unicorns, detailed eyeballs and other colorful creative creatures. I like to think of this moment as a little nudge from the universe, because I’m usually the one who empties backpacks. But on this night, Jesse took on the job but he happened to flip through Luke's notebook, something I wouldn't have done. He handed the little notebook to me and nodded as if to say "check this out" with a concerned look on his face.

In Luke’s cute little handwriting was an “attention chart”. He had drawn a pie chart where he carefully outlined how much attention each of our kids receive. Luke: 25%, Will: 35%, Ellie: 50%. That equals 110%, not too shabby, eh? In all seriousness, I felt terrible when I read it. Absolutely terrible.

"Attention Chart"

I immediately called my mom. You see, I grew up with 6 brothers and over 100 foster kids in our home. Why did I not feel deprived for attention as a kid? I needed to know what the heck was I doing wrong, and how to fix it. I was crushed. She reminded me of our “hooky days”. Ahh, yes, hooky days!!! One of my most cherished memories! My mom would let me skip school and we’d spend the day just the two of us doing whatever I wanted. This usually would include trips to the mall to buy cassette singles and acid washed jeans. It was amazing and memorable.

After I got off the phone with my mom I excitedly asked Luke his thoughts “hey would you want to skip school and take a hooky day with me?” He was thrilled. “Heck yes!" He said. "Can Grandma come? Can we go to Walmart and Chipotle?” So that’s what we did. We had a blast, we found some fun things for his art desk. We went to Walmart, and Goodwill. We took our time eating lunch at Chipotle, and didn't rush like usual. We had the best day ever.

Hooky Day 2017

And now it is two years later. Today Luke took his 3rd hooky day since I originally found the attention chart! Each of our kids get one day during the school year to take a day just for themselves and we do whatever they want. I love it just as much as they do. But man! Sometimes life kicks you in the nuts with an attention chart and it requires change to be made. I must say I'm glad we found that chart Luke drew and that we could openly talk about it with him. Today was so fun, can you guess where we went? Walmart and Chipotle, and TJ Maxx as well. We rushed home and Grandma helped get his room all decked out just the way he wanted it. It was the best day ever. :)

New bedding and loving it!

Hooky Day 2019

Oh, and I had another realization through all of this; my mom and I are still taking hooky days together. Every year on the day of our birthdays we go shopping and out to lunch. We always get a cocktail with our lunch and we have a blast together. This year is her big 80th birthday so we are taking a hooky weekend to Utah together. I cannot WAIT!

I wonder if my kids will still want to take hooky days with me when we are older? I sure hope so.

Hooky bday with Mama

Is there something in your life that may not be working? Take a step back and look at your situation. Even the smallest change can make an impact. Think of my mom’s words next time you are stressing out, "if something’s not working, change it”. Try it, you'll see. And you'll laugh at how simple it is. Thanks mama Barb for always having the best advice.

For this week's post I'm choosing a song that reminds me of my kids, because I'm a total sap for mushy love songs. 

Little Hands - Inland Sky

Don't Poke the Mama Bear - My First Letter to the Editor

Last Friday we had Ellie's planning meeting with her whole team; Early Intervention, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy. We were discussing what will happen when Ellie turns three in January. Thinking of school, learning, bus rides, and making friends makes me sweat and want to stress eat. I went into the meeting feeling nervous and unsure, but by the end of it we had a wonderful plan in place for Ellie and I felt lighter, hopeful even. The positive feedback I received about how she's doing was so reassuring. Her team believes in her and they truly think she will to rock it when it's time to go to school! WHEW!

But this leads me to a letter to the editor that I read the week before Ellie's big meeting. My good friend and fellow Rockin' Mom Jenny shared it with me. Jenny lives in Pennsylvania and this article was published in Grants Pass, Oregon. The post was titled “Special needs kids don't need to be in classroom” and it was written by a woman named Betty. I doubt Betty expected her letter to go viral, but it did. Below you can see the newspaper clipping for yourself, please read it and let it soak in for a minute.

"Ride the small buses?" As you can imagine, I was disturbed by Betty’s letter. Actually disturbed isn’t the right word, I was just plain pissed. Just when I feel like we are getting somewhere with inclusion and acceptance, something like this has to come along and punch me in the gut. I decided to contact the editor of the Grants Pass paper with my rebuttal. My fingers were typing faster than my brain could even work and I quickly sent off an email to him. Soon after I received a reply stating that their letters have a 250 word limit, and my letter was 483 words. Oops. The editor said he would like to share my opinion but I would need to refine my letter, which I did.

I also explained to him that I thought Betty’s letter should not have been published in the first place. I think it's discriminatory. He confirmed that he agreed that it showed this woman’s ignorance but that her opinion was still just that, her opinion. I strongly believe that had Betty singled out any other race or group of people that the letter would not have been published. I checked in on the paper's Facebook page and found that the visitor posts have been blocked. There were many insightful and some angry posts from across the world, all aimed at Betty. I think it became too much for them to manage. I'm curious to see if the paper has any follow-up on this, such as an apology.

Below is my letter to Betty. I sure hope she had a chance to read it and that she reads the other letters that have come in. I also have to give a shout out to my friends Andrea and Lisa who found me a copy of the paper- this particular newspaper is only readable online if you have a subscription. So thank you my friends for getting it for me!

I realize this is just the beginning of the adventures and hurdles I'll face while raising Ellie. Seeing the responses from fellow Rockin' Moms and other parents of kids with special needs makes me realize how lucky we are. We are so blessed to have our kids in this generation, and not in the generations before it. I have a sneaking suspicion Betty grew up in a time when those who were different were either institutionalized or hidden away. I truly hope she has a change of heart. 

For this post's song, I chose an absolutely beautiful one by the band Gungor. If you have a child with special needs I urge you to listen to it. Michael and Lisa Gungor have a gorgeous little girl with DS named Lucette, which means "light". When I first watched the video it brought tears to my eyes and a flood of memories back to the day of Ellie's birth. The emotion in Michael and Lisa's faces is so familiar to me. I can see the fierce protective love, mixed with a fear of the unknown. After reading their blog I found out they also had a birth diagnosis. Their birth story is worth the read, and it'll surely make you cry. Ahh, it's just amazing.

And Betty, I doubt you will ever read this but I think you should listen to this song too. All children are amazing gifts who deserve only the best in life. 


And the blind gained sight
As we met our light
Oh the joy and fight
The gift of life

Your hands, the creases
Your feet, your breathing
You're mine, you're perfect light

Light - Gungor

Mindfulness (I'm a Half-Ass Mom)

I am constantly researching, reading, and questioning everything related to Down syndrome. As a way to weed through the vast amounts of information available to me, I have changed the way I look at it all. When I hear about something more than two or three times, I take that as my signal to investigate further. That’s the only way I can keep my sanity when it comes to a new book to read, a new therapy tool, or a vitamin or supplement that may or may not help Ellie in the long run.

I use this method when it comes to regular life too. And in the past couple of weeks I have heard the word “mindfulness” at least five times. It was while watching a youtube clip, talking with my friends, as well as listening to a new book during my commute to work. Someone is definitely trying to tell me something. The definition of mindfulness is “the gentle effort to be continuously present with experience”. So I’m taking this as a sign, and I’m going to try my absolute hardest to make it a reality.

I've been asked lately “how do you do it all?” because I work full time, have 3 kids (two boys who are in sports and a daughter with special needs), I do photography, helped launch a non-profit, have a home to clean, meals to make, laundry to do (oh the laundry), and the list goes on. I've been jokingly replying “oh believe me, I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown”. Then I remembered my mom saying “thoughts become things” and damn if I didn't bring that thought to fruition! I am seriously about to lose it. I'm hanging by a thread and I think my husband is genuinely worried I will quit my job. I told Jesse “something’s gotta give”, and so I've decided it’s me. I need to be the one to change. I’m going to do my best to initiate change into my hectic and hurried life. I'm not "doing it all", and to be totally honest, I'm not even doing half of it. I'm half-assing it in the areas that matter the most and deserve my full attention.

My first step is that damn phone of mine. I’m always plugged in. Always. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I’m addicted to that device. I always have it on the bedside table next to me at night. Some nights I will be online until 1am or later reading blogs and articles or chatting with new moms who need my support. I have a habit of continually checking my phone… work email, personal email, Facebook. In that order, over and over again. As if I'm going to miss something if I don’t look every 5 minutes. What has happened is that I am not giving my kids my full attention. It’s like half-assed attention as I’m trying to reply to a message. I need to look at my babies in their faces when they ask me for a juice box or a snack. I need to see their beautiful eyes when I ask them how their day was. I need to be in the present.



So I started a week ago. I put my phone down. I am only going to check it when the kids are not with me, or are in bed. I’m not going to be as frantic about checking my work emails when I’m not at work. It’s not what’s important, my boss even told me to quit doing emails at night! My kids are growing up before my eyes, and I feel like I’m not there to watch it. I’m also not bringing my phone to bed. I’m going to leave it downstairs so I don’t look at it every time it buzzes… halfway asleep with one eye open. Who does that? Oh yeah, I do.

The second area I’m going to try to work on is my eating habits. I have a 50% chance of Type 2 Diabetes because I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with Ellie. I love to eat and so does Jesse. We center our lives around entertaining and enjoying good meals. Not to mention yummy cocktails which are also bad for the waistline- OK maybe that's just my weakness. Our whole family has a love for pizza and blizzards from Dairy Queen. Even my almost 7 year old Will is known for saying “oh mom this is so bad.. it’s good!” My amazing friend sent me a TED talk by Sandra Aamodt about why dieting doesn't work. If you have an extra 13 minutes I suggest you watch it.

Sandra Aamodt: Why dieting doesn't usually work

As I was watching, I heard her say “mindfulness”. There it was again, that word! I just need to be aware of what I’m putting in my body. But I can't obsess over it. I tend to senselessly shovel Juanita’s chips in my mouth as I cook dinner. I need to take a step back and look at what I'm doing. Just be aware.

The third and last baby step I am taking is to be mindful during the nighttime routine with my kids. Jesse and I take turns putting the boys to bed. Usually they will both sit on our laps and Will gets his reading homework done. It’s been getting to where we are shortening it more and more.. “pick a shorter book”, “we are just doing prayers tonight you guys stayed up way too late”, “I’ll tell you one story, but it’s going to be a quick one”, “it’s way too late, no stories tonight you guys need your sleep”.

What am I doing? How much longer will my boys sit on my lap and snuggle me? Why am I shortening this precious time each night? These moments will end up being non-existent if I continue on this path. I tested myself this weekend, it was the middle of the day on Saturday. I had tons of stuff to do around the house, the list seems endless. Luke was cranky so I asked him if he’d take a nap. He is almost 5, so even the word nap stresses him out. I told him I would feed Ellie in the rocking chair and he could lay in bed and I’d tell him a story. He liked the idea. I ended up spending 45 minutes with Luke while Ellie drank her bottle and fell asleep. We sang songs back and forth. He was not shy about showing me how he knew every word to “Let it Go” and “Do you Wanna Build a Snowman”. I had no idea he knew every last word, I had no clue. That 45 minutes was awesome. He woke up happy and revived, and my heart felt full.

The best part of my week, the Saturday morning bed raid.

Parenting is a constant learning experience for me. From the wise words of my mama, “if something isn't working, change it.” Well it’s time for me to change. As a working mom, I have 4 hours at night with my kids during the week. 4 hours. That isn't a lot. And on sports nights, that time is cut in half. I have to be available and there for my babies, in body as well as mind and spirit. I’m so grateful for the nudges I have received these past couple of weeks. Mindfulness. I hear you, loud and clear.

Landslide - Fleetwood Mac

Quest for Quinn

Cabbage Patch Kids, growing in the garden, Cabbage Patch Kids, growing in the sun...

Cabbage Patch Kids Theme Song

As a child of the 80's, I was the proud owner of many Cabbage Patch Kid dolls. To commemorate the 30th anniversary of these cute little babies with yarn hair and button noses, I would like to share a deeply personal story about my first born, Quinn Willy.

In 1998, Cabbage Patch Kids had a story contest for their 15 year anniversary. My brother Joey submitted our story about Quinn Willy and won 2nd place. He received a 15th Anniversary doll as a prize.

The 2nd place prize

Original story 

Quest for Quinn

The story begins in 1984. My sister, Tiffany, age 6 receives her first Cabbage Patch Kid. It wasn't Christmas or her birthday, just a gift. My parents sat her down and asked her the BIG question - "Are you ready to be a mother?" After the interrogation they gave her the doll.

Quinn Willy was his name. How could I forget? That's all we (my 5 brothers and I) heard day in, day out! Quinn Willy this, Quinn Willy that.

Anyways, August rolls around - vacation time! We decided to rent a motor-home and drive from Oregon to an amusement park in California, visiting relatives along the way. There were nine of us. Ten if you count Quinn Willy!

Well, after so many miles and so little space, one tends to get bored. And what do you do when you get bored? Pick on the youngest - it's an unwritten rule. I should know - it was 7 long years until Tiffany came along.

So I grab the thing dearest to Tiffany's heart - Quinn Willy! Who at this time has somehow morphed into a female doll! A game of keep-away begins. Hey, it beats counting cars! I toss it to brother Matt. He throws it to Kevin. Kevin throws it to Darren. Tiffany is screaming through all of this. 

My dad, a burly man, is trying to drive the confusing streets of California in the heat of August, in this giant motor-home! So he's yelling at us, Tiffany is screaming, we're laughing pure mayhem!

And then it happened. Like a scene out of a movie. Everything fell silent. Darren picks up Quinn to continue the game. He tosses it toward Matt in a slow-motion fashion. I could hear the wooshes every time Quinn turned in the air. It appeared that Quinn Willy was headed toward Matt's face. So he did what instinct told him to do... DUCK!

What happened next was horrible. Something a 6 year old should never have to witness. In a scream heard across California were two words I will never forget... "QUINN WILLY!!!"

Tiffany's doll had flown out the window into some serious traffic. She was crushed. Mom and dad were angry, and we were in trouble. I felt really bad, for it was I, angelic Joey who started it all!

There was no way my dad could have turned around to save Quinn Willy so throughout the rest of the vacation, Tiffany would have to deal with the fact that Quinn Willy was gone. Promises of other Cabbage Patch Kids only worked temporarily. Tiffany had racked up 7 promised Cabbage Patch Kids by the end of our vacation, but that didn't seem to fill the void. 

So when we returned to Oregon, my father - Chief of Police - wrote a few letters, made a few calls, and started the Quest for Quinn!

Sadly, Quinn Willy was never found. but what my father did for his youngest child, and only daughter was an act of love.

Unfortunately the letters my dad wrote to the LAPD have gone missing. I sent a message out to my brothers to see if they may have the only copies of the letters but so far no luck. I also have been trying to find photographic evidence of Quinn Willy's existence but can't find a photo to save my life. Then I received this quick video clip that Joey made. Here he is in a video from the summer she was lost, my she-boy Quinn Willy!

Defending Quinn - 1984