Fate Smiled

Oooh, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way...

I will never forget the day Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder" played in my kitchen. It had only been a week or so since Ellie was born when I really heard this song for the first time, with new ears. I almost fell to my knees listening to the lyrics and I truly believed that I was meant to hear that song, at that very moment. 

Today as I was brushing Ellie's hair into two little pig tails I couldn't help but think back to a little over 6 years ago. I was pregnant with Luke and it was when Jesse and I both had the dreams. The dreams about the little girl who was ours, with almond eyes and an extra chromosome. I will never forget those two pig tails and sweet smile. I can't believe that because of these dreams we made the decision to be done having children- as if to not "risk it". I had no idea of the little soul that was waiting up there for us. Waiting for that right moment to come down and be ours, to rock our world.

I am a true believer in serendipity, fate, and destiny. How could I not be? It was not a coincidence that Jesse and I both had dreams about Ellie. I look at the past two years, and the journey our life has taken. I think about the people I am meeting along the way, it doesn't feel like just any other ordinary connection. I look at my existing relationships and how they are deepening to a whole new level. There's something more to it, something extraordinary that is hard to put into words.

Today as I looked at my daughter; a sassy, opinionated, smart, beautiful 2 year old little girl, I realize she is exactly who she is meant to be. She completes our party of five and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't change her for the entire world. And I'm confident that she'll make her way.

That face!

Snuggles from her big brother Luke

But I want it now!

I had to include some drama queen photos!

Brotherly lovin'

My girl

Wonder - Natalie Merchant

A Pictorial Recap of Ellie's First Year

What a fast, exciting, crazy, and memorable year 2013 was! Here's Ellie's first year in photos... I sure take a lot of pictures!! But it's amazing to see how she's blossomed before our eyes! Click this link to see the youtube video :)

Ellie's First Year in Pictures

I Can Kick, Stretch, and Kick! I'm 9 Months Old!

This post is going to be all Ellie, all the time. I just wanted to post an update on how she's doing, what's been going on around here lately and of course lots and lots of pictures.

She turned 9 months old on the 4th of October. It has been the fastest yet craziest 9 months of my entire life! She had her picture in the newspaper, started saying "dada" and "hi", participated in her first Buddy Walk, punished me for going on a business trip (see videos below!) and had her 9 month check-up with her Pediatrician.

First, I have to share this funny photo of her doing toe-touches in her sleep. She loves to do this! I am thinking we have a future ballerina or gymnast on our hands! "I can kick, stretch, and kick... I'm 9 months old!" 

Doing her high kicks.

Secondly, the DSNO asked if I could send them a photo of Ellie, they wanted the one of her crying with her big brother Will.  It was going to be for an "ad" but in my mind I just figured it was some sort of internal email or something for the Down Syndrome Network. I received an email from my co-worker that said "is that Will or Luke in the picture with Ellie in the paper?!?" She emailed me a photo of the ad in the Portland Tribune. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen! I got a copy so that I could keep one for her baby book. Ugh darn it that just reminded me that I still haven't written anything in there yet. This blog will have to do!

Look at that face!

Leaving the kids for the first time during my work trip was hard because I was so worried about how they would do without me at home, and I also worried about how Jesse would handle everything by himself. Well Will and Luke did great with daddy, and they had a lot of fun "guy time". Jess was a rock star Mr. Mom, all the mom's at soccer were impressed with his skills of juggling the 3 kids at practice. I wasn't really worried about Ellie, I told myself "she's 8 months old, she won't even know I left!" Boy oh boy was I wrong. I underestimated her big time. She was so upset with me. It makes me feel like I can never leave her again! She couldn't even look at me without her bottom lip sticking out a mile. Check out the video here:

Ellie Mad at Mommy

It took her a few hours before she would smile at me again. Later that day she was jumping in her jumperoo and being her cute self, and I got her on video saying "hi", see if you can hear it! I felt like she grew up so much in the 8 days I was away! And please excuse the house, we are under construction :-/

Ellie Says Hi

Then she said "dada" on video, I couldn't believe it! Our little girl is growing up and meeting milestones. We are so proud of her.

Ellie Says Dada

Here are a few more of her milestones she's been reaching:

Holding her own bottle, she can only do it for a little bit but it's a start.

Sitting up unassisted and getting stronger every day. 

We walked in our first Buddy Walk, it was so much fun. When we arrived at the park, the first thing I noticed was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/It's a Wonderful World" was playing over the speakers. I had instant tears (and goosebumps) as did my mom, mom-in-law and sis-in-law. This song reminds our family of mine and Jesse's wedding. If you know me, I'm always looking for "signs" and hearing this upon arrival was a good and happy one.

The date of the walk was postponed a week due to horrible Oregon rain, and the new date couldn't have been more perfect weather-wise. 10 or so of our walkers couldn't make it but we still had such a blast. I got to see a lot of my new friends from the Ds community and introduce them to our family and friends. Seeing our two worlds come together felt right, like puzzle pieces falling into place.  There was magic in the air that day, and I felt especially grateful for our support network. 

I had set a goal of $1,000 for our fund raising, thinking it was lofty, and was blown away that we ended up raising $2,900! My employer (Columbia Sportswear) matched employee's donations and it put us over the top. I was absolutely amazed by the love and support that poured out. Our hearts are so full.

Team Ells Bells!

Family picture :)

New but lifelong friends.

Famous Iris, Ellie's mentor!

Love this one of Grandma and Ellie

Ellie also had her 9 month doctor's appointment. Every time I take her in I brace myself... will there be something wrong? Why oh why do I do that to myself? The lady at the front desk gave me a "9 month milestones" questionnaire. I felt my heart sink. I wanted to say "is this for typical babies, or babies with Down syndrome?" Then I realized I was doing "it" again! Stopppp worrryyyinnnnnggg and stoppp doing THAT! I sat down and filled in the questions, and to my surprise Ellie is doing great. There weren't any questions about crawling (no she hasn't mastered that one yet!) but lots of questions about playing with her toys, saying "dada or lala" etc. And she's doing all of these things! Dr. Craft was awesome as always, he's so sweet with her and genuinely cares about her. He also told me that babies that are breech (and female) tend to have issues with hip dysplasia. She had an x-ray just to make sure all is well, and so far so good.

Those hips don't lie! :)

Oh and she continues to be a long string bean, I can't believe how tall she is. These percentiles are on the "typical" baby chart. I think she is as tall as the boys were at this age!!

Height: 29.5" (96th percentile!) 
Weight: 16lbs 6oz (10th percentile!) 
Overall doing amazing. I'm so so proud of you baby girl. Keep up the good work and happy 9 months!!!

Wearing my dad's boatin' hat!

You like my Halloween costume?

When choosing the song for this post, I asked my husband to come up with one... "what sums up this post, about life in general, and our awesome family and friends?" He wanted me to use "Family Tradition" and I thought it fit great. This is a song we put on our wedding CD that we handed out to our wedding guests (another wedding reference)! OK honey- that'll work!

Family Tradition - Hank Williams Jr.

The "What If" Game

The "What If" Game. Do you ever play it? I do. As much as I try not to, I do. I tend to wonder "what if", even though I'm a true believer that life "happens the way it's meant to".

Sometimes on my drive in to work, my commute will take me up to an hour. This gives me a lot of time for my mind to wander. Too much time, really. I often play this game in my head. It's a mind bender, that's for sure. Growing up, my mom used to joke about how my dad dated Barbra Streisand. My mom used to say, "Barbra Streisand could have been your mom, I wonder what you would have looked like!" and we would all laugh. I still wonder about this story and would love to someday ask Barbra if she really dated my dad. Supposedly it was in Brooklyn, New York in the mid 1950's. Was this a tall tale, or did it really happen? My mom swears it's true, my dad did too. What if they would have stayed together? I love the mystery of it all.

My dad in Brooklyn in the 1950's

My mom and I were talking last week during my long commute into work, and she brought up how I was supposed to study art in Italy my freshman year in college. I didn't realize how pissed she was that I didn't do it. She reminded me how she begged me to go, how it was an amazing opportunity for me. I just didn't go. I totally wussed out. My mom paid the non-refundable deposit, and I boaged. I had a boyfriend at the time and didn't want to leave him. She told me again what a shame it was that I didn't go. How I could have grown, seen the world, and how opportunities like that were rare for an 18 year old. But I reminded her of something. I met Jesse that fall, 16 years ago, in a screen printing class. "What if I went to Italy, mom? Jesse and I never would have met." She agreed with me, "I didn't think of it like that! I guess you weren't meant to go to Italy!"

So young and fresh!

Since we've had Ellie this thought comes up a lot. More than it should, really. What if Ellie didn't have Down syndrome? What would our life be like? I can't help it. I think it's a natural instinct to wonder. I have thought about it a lot and I've come to a conclusion and I would like to explain it here. If Ellie didn't have Down syndrome we would: go boating a ton, get an opportunity to take an "adult's only" trip to Ireland, have lots of parties at our house, go on a special family vacation where we fish every single day and drink cocktails by the sunset, go on a business trip to Asia, do a complete home remodel (including a new kitchen), have to deal with our family moving away to Vietnam for 3 years (which is devastating yet exciting all at once), decide to throw Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever, and live life to the absolute fullest. But wait... we have done all these things. 

Boating and loving it.

Fishing off the dock

Ireland, July 2013

The cousins together for the last time, the day before the big move to Vietnam

Ellie has Down syndrome, and we have done everything we ever dreamed we would have done. I never thought this would be possible when she was born. I was so scared about the "what ifs"... but I'm finding that it's better than I could have imagined. The relationships with our friends and family has deepened. We have met families that we have a connection with that is indescribable. We never would have met them otherwise. I have met mommies online that I connect with on a level deeper than I've ever experienced. I have met mommies in real life who I already know will be lifelong friends. Our souls are connected, because of Ellie. I can be me, I can be real, and I can tell them my fears and hopes for Ellie and I am understood. I really feel that this is the way our life was meant to turn out. I am so grateful.

I leave Tuesday for a business trip to Asia. Jesse will be with all three kids by himself, and I know he will do great.  We are finishing up our remodel in the next month. We have gotten the OK from our families to throw Thanksgiving, a first for us. And it'll be both of our families combined so that'll be a first too! We have many more adventures ahead of us, and many more firsts.

So when I think about the "what if's" I will be reassured that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the path my life has taken. I am excited for the challenges ahead and the joy that my three kids will bring me. I can't imagine my life any other way. I also think about that Italy trip, and how I never went. And how when Ellie was born the big talk was the "Welcome to Holland" story. About how raising a child with a disability is like thinking you are going on a magnificent trip to Italy, but instead you end up in Holland. Which is beautiful too, it's just different. Well I'm finding that having Ellie is an adventure far beyond any beautiful foreign country. And I can see us visiting Holland, Italy, Ireland and Vietnam together, as a family. Just the way we were meant to all along.

Loving the sun.

Our three.

I always like to link to a song with each post, and this time I was trying to come up with one that "fit". Well I was looking through my "shazamed" songs, and found that in the past year, I shazamed this song 4 times. Did I not realize I had already heard it before? It made me laugh that I made the effort to "tag" this song so many times without realizing I had already done it a few times before. So that is why I chose this song, because I love it, apparently!

Lost In My Mind - The Head and the Heart