Fate Smiled

Oooh, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way...

I will never forget the day Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder" played in my kitchen. It had only been a week or so since Ellie was born when I really heard this song for the first time, with new ears. I almost fell to my knees listening to the lyrics and I truly believed that I was meant to hear that song, at that very moment. 

Today as I was brushing Ellie's hair into two little pig tails I couldn't help but think back to a little over 6 years ago. I was pregnant with Luke and it was when Jesse and I both had the dreams. The dreams about the little girl who was ours, with almond eyes and an extra chromosome. I will never forget those two pig tails and sweet smile. I can't believe that because of these dreams we made the decision to be done having children- as if to not "risk it". I had no idea of the little soul that was waiting up there for us. Waiting for that right moment to come down and be ours, to rock our world.

I am a true believer in serendipity, fate, and destiny. How could I not be? It was not a coincidence that Jesse and I both had dreams about Ellie. I look at the past two years, and the journey our life has taken. I think about the people I am meeting along the way, it doesn't feel like just any other ordinary connection. I look at my existing relationships and how they are deepening to a whole new level. There's something more to it, something extraordinary that is hard to put into words.

Today as I looked at my daughter; a sassy, opinionated, smart, beautiful 2 year old little girl, I realize she is exactly who she is meant to be. She completes our party of five and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't change her for the entire world. And I'm confident that she'll make her way.

That face!

Snuggles from her big brother Luke

But I want it now!

I had to include some drama queen photos!

Brotherly lovin'

My girl

Wonder - Natalie Merchant

The "What If" Game

The "What If" Game. Do you ever play it? I do. As much as I try not to, I do. I tend to wonder "what if", even though I'm a true believer that life "happens the way it's meant to".

Sometimes on my drive in to work, my commute will take me up to an hour. This gives me a lot of time for my mind to wander. Too much time, really. I often play this game in my head. It's a mind bender, that's for sure. Growing up, my mom used to joke about how my dad dated Barbra Streisand. My mom used to say, "Barbra Streisand could have been your mom, I wonder what you would have looked like!" and we would all laugh. I still wonder about this story and would love to someday ask Barbra if she really dated my dad. Supposedly it was in Brooklyn, New York in the mid 1950's. Was this a tall tale, or did it really happen? My mom swears it's true, my dad did too. What if they would have stayed together? I love the mystery of it all.

My dad in Brooklyn in the 1950's

My mom and I were talking last week during my long commute into work, and she brought up how I was supposed to study art in Italy my freshman year in college. I didn't realize how pissed she was that I didn't do it. She reminded me how she begged me to go, how it was an amazing opportunity for me. I just didn't go. I totally wussed out. My mom paid the non-refundable deposit, and I boaged. I had a boyfriend at the time and didn't want to leave him. She told me again what a shame it was that I didn't go. How I could have grown, seen the world, and how opportunities like that were rare for an 18 year old. But I reminded her of something. I met Jesse that fall, 16 years ago, in a screen printing class. "What if I went to Italy, mom? Jesse and I never would have met." She agreed with me, "I didn't think of it like that! I guess you weren't meant to go to Italy!"

So young and fresh!

Since we've had Ellie this thought comes up a lot. More than it should, really. What if Ellie didn't have Down syndrome? What would our life be like? I can't help it. I think it's a natural instinct to wonder. I have thought about it a lot and I've come to a conclusion and I would like to explain it here. If Ellie didn't have Down syndrome we would: go boating a ton, get an opportunity to take an "adult's only" trip to Ireland, have lots of parties at our house, go on a special family vacation where we fish every single day and drink cocktails by the sunset, go on a business trip to Asia, do a complete home remodel (including a new kitchen), have to deal with our family moving away to Vietnam for 3 years (which is devastating yet exciting all at once), decide to throw Thanksgiving at our house for the first time ever, and live life to the absolute fullest. But wait... we have done all these things. 

Boating and loving it.

Fishing off the dock

Ireland, July 2013

The cousins together for the last time, the day before the big move to Vietnam

Ellie has Down syndrome, and we have done everything we ever dreamed we would have done. I never thought this would be possible when she was born. I was so scared about the "what ifs"... but I'm finding that it's better than I could have imagined. The relationships with our friends and family has deepened. We have met families that we have a connection with that is indescribable. We never would have met them otherwise. I have met mommies online that I connect with on a level deeper than I've ever experienced. I have met mommies in real life who I already know will be lifelong friends. Our souls are connected, because of Ellie. I can be me, I can be real, and I can tell them my fears and hopes for Ellie and I am understood. I really feel that this is the way our life was meant to turn out. I am so grateful.

I leave Tuesday for a business trip to Asia. Jesse will be with all three kids by himself, and I know he will do great.  We are finishing up our remodel in the next month. We have gotten the OK from our families to throw Thanksgiving, a first for us. And it'll be both of our families combined so that'll be a first too! We have many more adventures ahead of us, and many more firsts.

So when I think about the "what if's" I will be reassured that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the path my life has taken. I am excited for the challenges ahead and the joy that my three kids will bring me. I can't imagine my life any other way. I also think about that Italy trip, and how I never went. And how when Ellie was born the big talk was the "Welcome to Holland" story. About how raising a child with a disability is like thinking you are going on a magnificent trip to Italy, but instead you end up in Holland. Which is beautiful too, it's just different. Well I'm finding that having Ellie is an adventure far beyond any beautiful foreign country. And I can see us visiting Holland, Italy, Ireland and Vietnam together, as a family. Just the way we were meant to all along.

Loving the sun.

Our three.

I always like to link to a song with each post, and this time I was trying to come up with one that "fit". Well I was looking through my "shazamed" songs, and found that in the past year, I shazamed this song 4 times. Did I not realize I had already heard it before? It made me laugh that I made the effort to "tag" this song so many times without realizing I had already done it a few times before. So that is why I chose this song, because I love it, apparently!

Lost In My Mind - The Head and the Heart

Dreams Really Do Come True

6 months!

I can't believe our little Ellie is already 6 months old. In all honesty, every day goes by faster than the one before it. It's crazy to me.  She's starting to give us hugs and kisses, when I first realized she was doing it intentionally it made me cry (surprise, surprise.) We have only heard her giggle twice so far, and she's sitting up pretty good (with support of course.)  She's also eating baby food like a champ.  So far her favorite is apple sauce.

Eating lunch like a big girl.

Her personality is awesome.  She is very laid back and loves to give snuggles. She smiles more and more each day. She's also been sleeping through the night since 3 weeks old. Last weekend I woke up to the sound of the lawn mower outside.  I looked over and Jesse wasn't in bed, Ellie was fast asleep next to me in her bassinet.  I got up and Luke was still asleep too.  I checked the time and it was 9:45.  What baby sleeps in until 9:45? Or even a 4 year old for that matter?  I made my way outside and Jesse and Will were out mowing.  They said they got bored waiting for us to wake up :-P She is such a fun baby and loves to sleep like her mama.

When I think back to how Jesse and I both had dreams about Ellie before she was here, I still get goose bumps.  I recently found an old email I had written to a friend.  I was discussing having two children and how Jesse and I didn't want to "risk it" by having another baby.  Here's an excerpt from that email:

"I always felt like I'd have a daughter, and my husband feels content and grateful for our two boys, he says he doesn't want to risk anything again. We actually both had dreams while I was pregnant with my youngest that we had babies with down syndrome. When they thought Luke might have it, my husbands face turned white. Later I confessed my dream to him, and he said he had the same dream! It was all too weird. When we found out Luke was OK it was such a relief.  I think that's still in the back of his mind." 

It boggles my mind that Jesse and I both had premonitions about her.  We were being prepared for her arrival without even realizing it. My mom and dad always said that our dreams represent "a fear or a desire."  When I told mom about my dream she reassured me "oh honey, it's just a fear" and she told me I needed to stop worrying about it.  Well I didn't realize it at the time, but it turned out that my dream was a desire, not a fear. I can't imagine my life without Ellie in it. I'm so grateful for her. I'm so glad our dreams came true.

I love this picture for so many reasons.  It shows off some of Ellie's "Down syndrome markers" so I thought I'd point them out: brushfield spots in her eyes, flattened nose bridge, upward slanted eyes, her single palmar crease across her hand, small low set ears... to me, it's just Ellie and I think she's beautiful. :) 

This month Ellie has her big appointment at OHSU's Down Syndrome Clinic, her 6 month well-baby visit, and an appointment with the eye doctor.  I will do a blog post to update everyone on how she's doing. I have wondered how well she can hear, see, and if her thyroid is functioning. I'm so curious to see what the panel of specialists at the DS Clinic will tell me.  It is 4 hours long, so I'm sure we will get something worthwhile from the appointment.  My fingers are crossed all goes well.

This is Ellie's old man impression.. "where's my teef, sonny?"

Here are a few more pictures of our smiley 6 month old. She had a great 4th of July with everyone. She was held the whole time and slept through the loud booms of the fireworks show. I was a slacker and didn't take any pictures of our big party this year... darn it. 

4th of July - Shooter Jennings

Ellie and her big brothers

This is one of her new smiles and it cracks me up!

Being silly for the camera! I'm addicted to my collage app on my phone (obviously)!!