Friday, March 1, 2013

The Girl of our Dreams

It was winter of 2008, our son was a year and a half and we were anxiously waiting to find out if he was going to have a new baby brother or sister in May. Shortly before the gender ultrasound I had a vivid dream about a little girl. I don't remember what was said but I knew she was my daughter. She was adorable, her hair in two pigtails and she was wearing little glasses. She also had Down syndrome. I woke up feeling uneasy about my dream. There's no way I'm going to share this with Jesse. The pregnancy was uneventful so far... This baby is fine, right?

We went in for the 20 week ultrasound. Jesse squeezed my hand as the wand slid over my big belly. "Do you want to know the gender?" "YES!" We reply in unison. We had been taking bets, he says boy and I know in my heart it's a girl. As the ultrasound tech gets a peek at the "potty shot" I knew immediately. "It's a boy!!" My husband actually blurted out "Yesssss!!!" And it bugged me. I thought for sure I was pregnant with a girl. This whole pregnancy was so different than my first. But I saw the little pee-pee on the screen, he was definitely a boy. My husband apologized and said "but I'm going to have two boys... Two! They will be buddies for life!" I was so excited too, the idea of pink, tutus and bows faded quickly and I was truly grateful. Two healthy boys, this is going to be awesome!
Then as the ultrasound went on I was chatting with our ultrasound tech. I mentioned how I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to be in her shoes when she finds problems on the ultrasound. She nodded her head in agreement and said "I need to go grab the doctor, and will be right back." You've got to be kidding me. I look at my husband and say "seriously? How can this be happening again?" And I burst into tears. Jesse and I lost our first baby and this was bringing back all of the pain and emotions we felt during that time. Lightning can't strike twice, it just can't.

When she came back the doctor came to my bedside and started to show us what they called "soft markers" on the ultrasound. "See this bright spot in his heart? It's an echogenic focus... And here in his bowel, that is a hyperechogenic bowel" Jesse and I were terrified, we could see it with our own two eyes! But what does it mean? The doctor explained that they were soft markers for Down syndrome. Oh my gosh, Down syndrome? My heart sank and I immediately thought of my dream. It's mothers instinct, he has Down syndrome, he has to! Why else would I have a dream about that particular diagnosis? I look at Jesse and the color was gone from his face. I'd never seen him look so scared.

We opted for the amniocentesis because we wanted to be prepared for what the future held. Jesse was on a work trip so my mom took me and helped me take care of Will. I stayed on the couch for a full 24 hours to be safe. The 3 day wait for the FISH (quick turn test) was the longest 3 days of my life. My OB called with the results, our baby boy has "typical chromosomes". I was so relieved and I immediately call Jess with the news. "Babe, he doesn't have it, but I have to tell you something".... "What??" He seemed concerned, so I told him about my dream. About this little girl who I knew was mine, with pigtails and glasses, and Down syndrome. He was silent.. "Honey?" And he says "I had the same dream." In his dream he was at a football game, standing on the sidelines watching the game. His daughter was next to him, and she had Down syndrome. He didn't want to tell me about his dream either because it scared him. He didn't want me to worry. We were confused as to why we would have the same exact dream, but 4 years later it would all make sense.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Lucas John born in May 2009
Daddy and Luke
Mommy and Luke
My boys
Big brother holding "Woot" for the first time

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