Keep Your Eyes Open and Your Mouth Shut

On Saturday night Jesse and I took the kids out to dinner. As we sat there sipping our drinks and waiting for our food, a familiar song started to play. I pointed up and smiled at Jess, and he winked back at me with understanding. "Knocking on Heaven's Door" was playing. Although Jesse never met my dad, he knows when I have these little moments of recognition, or "woo-wooness" as we like to call it. I'm lucky that over time he has also come to appreciate these little winks almost as much as I do.
"It doesn't surprise me he's playing songs for me" I said. "I feel him around a lot lately... 20 years on Monday". Then Luke mentioned "mom Popeye visited me at school last week". I questioned what he meant. "An eagle flew over during recess, it was pretty cool" he explained. That story lead me to retell how the eagle flew over during our wedding vows. And about the time my best friend Candice and I were visiting my dad's grave. We were talking about my dad and the eagle connection and an eagle flew right over us. We squealed with wonder and nervousness, both covered in goosebumps. This eagle phenomenon has happened a lot over the years, and we always say "hi dad" when we see one. 

I then told another story to Jesse and the kids, a story my brother recently shared with me. It was April 16, 1987 and my brother Kevin had just enlisted in the Army. Upon leaving for basic training my dad wished him well with these wise words...

"Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut."
It was advice that my brother would reference often as his Army career progressed and as he entered adulthood. He still uses my dad's advice to this day.

Fast forward 11 years, on April 16th 1998. Kevin was at work and my dad's wise words popped into his mind. Out loud he said "keep your eyes open and your mouth shut". "Huh?" his coworker looked at him confused. "My dad said that to me 11 years ago today, I need to go see him." He packed up and headed out for the 45 minute drive to my parents house.

When Kevin arrived to my mom and dad's that evening, I was already there. I had just returned from a beach trip with my boyfriend. At 19, the last thing I wanted to do on a Thursday night was see my parents, but my boyfriend insisted. My dad had been battling his second round of cancer and had not been feeling well. To see him this way was difficult for me and my selfish teenage self was not feeling up for a visit. 

That night my dad passed away. He had been sick but looked good, so we were all blindsided by how fast it happened. My brother Kevin and I were there with my mom when he took his last breath. That moment changed me forever. It also instilled a belief that there is more to life than just our time here on earth. I saw his face when my mom told him it was OK to go, and to go be with my Grandma Hattie. His face washed over with peace, and I knew then that heaven exists. He was welcomed with love and we all saw it.

My loving, funny, tough as nails handsome teddy bear dad has now been gone for longer than I knew him. That is hard to quantify in my brain. He is still around us every day, his memory is alive and his essence lives on. I see him in my brothers, and now in my own children.

What his leaving did teach me is that life does go on even after a painful and unimaginable loss. It doesn't mean I don't miss him any less, but the sharp sadness does fade as time goes on.  Life will never be the same without him, but it is still an amazing and happy life.

As I get older and my children grow, I know I'll continue to watch how my dad lives on in them. Will's smart ass wit and cop brain could not have come from anywhere else. My dad wasn't a fabulous artist but his creativity was unlike any other, and Luke's creativity had to come from my dad. His artistic ability is from Jesse though, that's for sure. And Ellie, oh little Ellie. I was told once that she was sent here by my dad to heal my heart. To make that statement even more unbelievable, I have a blog post titled "Ellie's Healing Hearts" that I have yet to share. It's a long and painful story and I hope someday I'll have the courage to hit "publish". 
Ellie is now 5 and she still talks about Popeye. She tells me all kinds of things, how he's at work, or over at Grandma's house. He tends to visit her at night around bedtime. As creepy as this may sound to some, I believe it to be true. All three of my kids did this with him. The boys grew out of it around age 3, but Ellie is still talking to him, blowing him kisses, giving him air hugs and keeping his spirit alive.

Almost every day I receive some sort of gift or sign from my dad. For example as I was driving to work on Thursday I was thinking about him. I looked at the car in front of me and the license plate was 416. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I will take it as a little angel wink. He may not be here in body, but his love is definitely here. My mom believes that when we die, our love stays behind. And this makes sense to me because I believe when you love someone it is on a soul level, and that never goes away.
Do you have a loved one who has passed who you feel is still around?  There are so many little signs from those we love, it could be as simple as a penny left on the ground, a specific animal crosses your path, a special song comes on the radio or the lights flicker when you think about them. People have told me that they don't understand why the woo-woo experiences happen to me, but it's simply because I am always looking. It happens to all of us! It is just a matter of keeping your eyes open :)
As I edited this post Sunday night, I was making dinner, sipping a glass of wine and deleting and rewriting every sentence.. the song "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd came on. You know what is funny? This one reminds me of him too. And when I went to a psychic 3 years ago (no judging!) she told me "your dad loves when you notice he plays songs for you". So there you go. Thanks, dad.
For this post's song, I am choosing "Knocking on Heaven's Door" but the version by Antony and the Johnsons. We love this one because it actually sounds like my big brother Matt's voice. Listen to it, it's pretty awesome.

Knocking On Heaven's Door - Antony and the Johnsons

I Have One Too

"Aren't you a pretty girl? You are just so sweet! You are a precious "special" girl, aren't you?" I started to feel my cheeks turn pink. I was nervous and even a little annoyed, thinking to myself "oh please don't tell me how happy they all are, and how they all love to dance." Ugh.

I was at Target with Ellie doing some shopping and was in line checking out. I could tell this woman, who was most likely in her 70's had noticed that Ellie has Down syndrome. I feel bad now that I assumed that she was going that route- the generalized "they are all happy" route, but I hear it practically every time I take my girl out in public. I smiled at the woman and started heading out the door and she quickly yells... "I have one too, my daughter!" I turned around and said "oh that's awesome!" and walked to my car, but I wanted to run back and ask her all about her daughter. Unfortunately my nerves got the best of me. But then at my next stop that day, I got that chance.

 
Ellie and I were strolling along the granola bar section at Costco and I was stopped by a couple who were probably in their late 60's. They couldn't keep their eyes off Ellie and were asking me all about her. She was doing her usual double-handed giant wave and "smizing" (smiling with her eyes) and they were loving it. Finally the woman says "we also have a special angel" to which I asked "oh, how old is she?" They went on to explain that her name was Andrea, and she had passed away when she was 9 years old. She had multiple health issues in her short life. My heart sank. The man grabbed his wallet, and pulled out a torn and faded school picture. She was beautiful with her brown hair falling down around her pretty slanted eyes. He handed me the picture and I showed Ellie, she immediately gave the photo a kiss. I had tears in my eyes as they proudly talked about their daughter. She would be 35 if she were still here, the same age as me. I was so grateful for that couple who shared their gorgeous Andrea with me that day. 

As I was checking out I couldn't stop thinking about that couple and their girl. I was turning to leave and my new friend came up behind me "can we exchange numbers?" she asked. I was so excited. "Yes!" I gave her my info and she gave me hers. She has a friend who has a daughter in her 20's with Down syndrome who lives downtown Portland, takes the Max to work and is in Zumba class. She is independent and doing awesome. She wants to introduce me to this gal's mother, who she said was such an advocate for her daughter who is doing so well. I hope I see this woman again someday. She really made my day and I honestly think I was meant to meet her.

I can't quite put my finger on what the "thing" is that happens when I meet other families who have been touched by Down syndrome, but it's amazing to me. It's like a secret club, a connection, a feeling of knowing, and it's beyond just having something in common. My family feels it, and even my friends too. Even the connection I have with the moms I've met online is hard to put into words. They are from all walks of life, and across the globe. We have spent countless hours sharing advice, worries, and triumphs. I haven't met them in person yet I feel a bond to these ladies. I have met families in real life and can't help but feel like there is something more. When Ellie was around 6 months old, I read a very interesting book and this paragraph gave me goose bumps:

"When I spoke with parents of handicapped children, all commented on the extraordinary people they met as a result of their children's handicaps - people they felt they already knew. In all likelihood, they did. There is often a special bond that goes well beyond the commonality of having handicapped children."

I don't know if I'll ever unlock the mystery to this connection I feel to these families, so I'm just going to go with it. I'm going to count my blessings and just be grateful every single day. I know that I will continue to meet new people who are on the same journey as me. They will be just beginning, or will be more seasoned pros offering invaluable advice. I look forward to talking to new moms and to be able tell them "it will be OK, I promise", just like others told me.

This week's song is one that I used to love when Jesse and I started dating over 10 years ago. It's funny how the lyrics to a song can evolve as your life changes, this one has taken on a new meaning for me. xoxo

Wave on Wave - Pat Green

They Are All So Happy

I have an announcement. Ellie, my sweet precious Ellie, is NOT always happy. She just isn't. In the 7 months that she's been on this earth, she has been everything. Happy, sad, frustrated, excited, curious, mad, stubborn, the list could go on. Name an emotion and she's probably experienced it. 

Pre-meltdown phase

Let the drama begin!

Will looks around like someone is going to help him!

Seriously mom, HELP ME! (says Will)

When I tell people my daughter has Down syndrome I almost always hear "oh, they are all so happy", or "they are all so sweet". I am trying to figure this phenomenon out because so far, Ellie is a lot like her big brothers. She spits up like them (rrr!), she giggles like them, she smirks like them, she cries like them. When people refer to her as "they" it feels like she's part of a whole different species, do you get what I'm saying?

There is a preconceived notion, myth, or stereotype about people with Down syndrome that "they" are always happy, or "they" are always sweet. Well Ellie wants me to tell you this.. "she" is just herself. It's just like saying "all gingers have no souls" when we know the truth, only some gingers have no souls. Hehe. 

So that is my PSA for the day. People with Down syndrome are each unique individuals just like you and I. They laugh, they cry, and sometimes, damn it, they have throw-down diva fits like it's their job!! 

My song of choice for this blog post is "You are so Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. I love this song, and it makes me think of our Ellie girl. BUT I also love that my dad once arrested Joe Cocker in Cali back in the early 70's. Famous family story right there! 

You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker