If Something's Not Working, Change It

Oh my gosh, I haven't posted in a really long time! Is Blogger even a valid blog platform anymore? Anyhoo, I thought I'd dust off the old keyboard and finish a post I had started to write way back in December of 2017. Over two years ago!

First I'd like to explain the title of this post. This is courtesy of my wise mama Barb. She has this knack of finding solutions to problems with ease, almost like she has an otherworldly insight into life’s problems. Anytime I bring an issue to her attention, without hesitation she will have an idea. It's always something simple and practical. One of her most common answers? "If something's not working, change it".

I have utilized this advice many times over the years. When Ellie’s therapies were beginning to be too much for us, we opted to take the summers off. Therapy-free summers were renamed "real life therapy", and we have not looked back. We actually see huge gains in Ellie's development during these breaks. When my corporate job was overwhelming, my mom suggested working 4 days instead of 5. I asked my boss, and after some planning and rearranging I was able to have Fridays off. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself! And since I wrote this post, I have quit corporate life and joined Jesse at Stafford Beverage selling booze! What a huge change for me, but a good one. I'm still adjusting to this new role and am finally settling in. Being home at the end of the day to get the kids off the bus has been the biggest bonus with this change. I am so grateful.

The whole point I'm trying to make, is that when you find yourself stuck in a rut, feeling down, and as if things are no longer working, take a step back and make a change. Try talking it out with the ones you love, lean on your mom, mother-in-law, husband, or best friend. Talking it out will help bring out alternative solutions to the surface. And hey, if it doesn't work that is OK too. You can just move on and try something different.

But that brings me to the reason I wrote this post in the first place. Sometimes, something isn’t working right before your eyes and you don’t even realize it. Like the time we found the note in Luke’s backpack. The guilt-inducing, I seriously suck as a mom note. I was sucker-punched, right in my guts.

It was after dinner one cold night in December in 2017. Jesse and I were cleaning out the kid's backpacks, and he happened to flip through one of Luke’s notebooks. Doodles filled the pages, Luke’s signature unicorns, detailed eyeballs and other colorful creative creatures. I like to think of this moment as a little nudge from the universe, because I’m usually the one who empties backpacks. But on this night, Jesse took on the job but he happened to flip through Luke's notebook, something I wouldn't have done. He handed the little notebook to me and nodded as if to say "check this out" with a concerned look on his face.

In Luke’s cute little handwriting was an “attention chart”. He had drawn a pie chart where he carefully outlined how much attention each of our kids receive. Luke: 25%, Will: 35%, Ellie: 50%. That equals 110%, not too shabby, eh? In all seriousness, I felt terrible when I read it. Absolutely terrible.

"Attention Chart"

I immediately called my mom. You see, I grew up with 6 brothers and over 100 foster kids in our home. Why did I not feel deprived for attention as a kid? I needed to know what the heck was I doing wrong, and how to fix it. I was crushed. She reminded me of our “hooky days”. Ahh, yes, hooky days!!! One of my most cherished memories! My mom would let me skip school and we’d spend the day just the two of us doing whatever I wanted. This usually would include trips to the mall to buy cassette singles and acid washed jeans. It was amazing and memorable.

After I got off the phone with my mom I excitedly asked Luke his thoughts “hey would you want to skip school and take a hooky day with me?” He was thrilled. “Heck yes!" He said. "Can Grandma come? Can we go to Walmart and Chipotle?” So that’s what we did. We had a blast, we found some fun things for his art desk. We went to Walmart, and Goodwill. We took our time eating lunch at Chipotle, and didn't rush like usual. We had the best day ever.

Hooky Day 2017

And now it is two years later. Today Luke took his 3rd hooky day since I originally found the attention chart! Each of our kids get one day during the school year to take a day just for themselves and we do whatever they want. I love it just as much as they do. But man! Sometimes life kicks you in the nuts with an attention chart and it requires change to be made. I must say I'm glad we found that chart Luke drew and that we could openly talk about it with him. Today was so fun, can you guess where we went? Walmart and Chipotle, and TJ Maxx as well. We rushed home and Grandma helped get his room all decked out just the way he wanted it. It was the best day ever. :)

New bedding and loving it!

Hooky Day 2019

Oh, and I had another realization through all of this; my mom and I are still taking hooky days together. Every year on the day of our birthdays we go shopping and out to lunch. We always get a cocktail with our lunch and we have a blast together. This year is her big 80th birthday so we are taking a hooky weekend to Utah together. I cannot WAIT!

I wonder if my kids will still want to take hooky days with me when we are older? I sure hope so.

Hooky bday with Mama

Is there something in your life that may not be working? Take a step back and look at your situation. Even the smallest change can make an impact. Think of my mom’s words next time you are stressing out, "if something’s not working, change it”. Try it, you'll see. And you'll laugh at how simple it is. Thanks mama Barb for always having the best advice.

For this week's post I'm choosing a song that reminds me of my kids, because I'm a total sap for mushy love songs. 

Little Hands - Inland Sky

Keep Your Eyes Open and Your Mouth Shut

On Saturday night Jesse and I took the kids out to dinner. As we sat there sipping our drinks and waiting for our food, a familiar song started to play. I pointed up and smiled at Jess, and he winked back at me with understanding. "Knocking on Heaven's Door" was playing. Although Jesse never met my dad, he knows when I have these little moments of recognition, or "woo-wooness" as we like to call it. I'm lucky that over time he has also come to appreciate these little winks almost as much as I do.
"It doesn't surprise me he's playing songs for me" I said. "I feel him around a lot lately... 20 years on Monday". Then Luke mentioned "mom Popeye visited me at school last week". I questioned what he meant. "An eagle flew over during recess, it was pretty cool" he explained. That story lead me to retell how the eagle flew over during our wedding vows. And about the time my best friend Candice and I were visiting my dad's grave. We were talking about my dad and the eagle connection and an eagle flew right over us. We squealed with wonder and nervousness, both covered in goosebumps. This eagle phenomenon has happened a lot over the years, and we always say "hi dad" when we see one. 

I then told another story to Jesse and the kids, a story my brother recently shared with me. It was April 16, 1987 and my brother Kevin had just enlisted in the Army. Upon leaving for basic training my dad wished him well with these wise words...

"Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut."
It was advice that my brother would reference often as his Army career progressed and as he entered adulthood. He still uses my dad's advice to this day.

Fast forward 11 years, on April 16th 1998. Kevin was at work and my dad's wise words popped into his mind. Out loud he said "keep your eyes open and your mouth shut". "Huh?" his coworker looked at him confused. "My dad said that to me 11 years ago today, I need to go see him." He packed up and headed out for the 45 minute drive to my parents house.

When Kevin arrived to my mom and dad's that evening, I was already there. I had just returned from a beach trip with my boyfriend. At 19, the last thing I wanted to do on a Thursday night was see my parents, but my boyfriend insisted. My dad had been battling his second round of cancer and had not been feeling well. To see him this way was difficult for me and my selfish teenage self was not feeling up for a visit. 

That night my dad passed away. He had been sick but looked good, so we were all blindsided by how fast it happened. My brother Kevin and I were there with my mom when he took his last breath. That moment changed me forever. It also instilled a belief that there is more to life than just our time here on earth. I saw his face when my mom told him it was OK to go, and to go be with my Grandma Hattie. His face washed over with peace, and I knew then that heaven exists. He was welcomed with love and we all saw it.

My loving, funny, tough as nails handsome teddy bear dad has now been gone for longer than I knew him. That is hard to quantify in my brain. He is still around us every day, his memory is alive and his essence lives on. I see him in my brothers, and now in my own children.

What his leaving did teach me is that life does go on even after a painful and unimaginable loss. It doesn't mean I don't miss him any less, but the sharp sadness does fade as time goes on.  Life will never be the same without him, but it is still an amazing and happy life.

As I get older and my children grow, I know I'll continue to watch how my dad lives on in them. Will's smart ass wit and cop brain could not have come from anywhere else. My dad wasn't a fabulous artist but his creativity was unlike any other, and Luke's creativity had to come from my dad. His artistic ability is from Jesse though, that's for sure. And Ellie, oh little Ellie. I was told once that she was sent here by my dad to heal my heart. To make that statement even more unbelievable, I have a blog post titled "Ellie's Healing Hearts" that I have yet to share. It's a long and painful story and I hope someday I'll have the courage to hit "publish". 
Ellie is now 5 and she still talks about Popeye. She tells me all kinds of things, how he's at work, or over at Grandma's house. He tends to visit her at night around bedtime. As creepy as this may sound to some, I believe it to be true. All three of my kids did this with him. The boys grew out of it around age 3, but Ellie is still talking to him, blowing him kisses, giving him air hugs and keeping his spirit alive.

Almost every day I receive some sort of gift or sign from my dad. For example as I was driving to work on Thursday I was thinking about him. I looked at the car in front of me and the license plate was 416. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I will take it as a little angel wink. He may not be here in body, but his love is definitely here. My mom believes that when we die, our love stays behind. And this makes sense to me because I believe when you love someone it is on a soul level, and that never goes away.
Do you have a loved one who has passed who you feel is still around?  There are so many little signs from those we love, it could be as simple as a penny left on the ground, a specific animal crosses your path, a special song comes on the radio or the lights flicker when you think about them. People have told me that they don't understand why the woo-woo experiences happen to me, but it's simply because I am always looking. It happens to all of us! It is just a matter of keeping your eyes open :)
As I edited this post Sunday night, I was making dinner, sipping a glass of wine and deleting and rewriting every sentence.. the song "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd came on. You know what is funny? This one reminds me of him too. And when I went to a psychic 3 years ago (no judging!) she told me "your dad loves when you notice he plays songs for you". So there you go. Thanks, dad.
For this post's song, I am choosing "Knocking on Heaven's Door" but the version by Antony and the Johnsons. We love this one because it actually sounds like my big brother Matt's voice. Listen to it, it's pretty awesome.

Knocking On Heaven's Door - Antony and the Johnsons

Happy 4th Birthday Ellie

To capture 4 years into a 4 minute video was hard for me, especially since I take sooo many pictures! And do you know what really stood out as I sorted through the hundreds of photos? This. girl. is. so. loved. Wow!

Click the link below to watch the video:

Happy 4th Birthday Ellie

Happy birthday Ellie, our beloved one!

Shaken, Not Stirred: A Stafford Family Update

As I sit here on this snowy Thursday night, drinking some cheap red wine, I had the realization that I have only posted on this little ole' blog four times this year. That is a huge difference from the first year we had Ellie, I had posted 22 times in 2013. 22! That's almost 2 posts per month. And I remember when I started blogging, my whole intention of sharing our life was to maybe help one family receiving a Down syndrome diagnosis, to show them that it would be OK. I also remember thinking back then.. "there sure are a lot of blogs about babies and young kids with DS, and not many about older kids"... My imagination lead me to wonder if this was because it got harder as our kids grew, maybe it was harder to talk about? Too overwhelming to share? Is this why the blog posts fade into nothingness?

Truth? For us it hasn't gotten harder. It's gotten really "normal" to be honest. I don't have anything exciting to report on my little blog. We are a family of 5 and we are so dang busy that we've resorted to eating Taco Bell 4-5 times a week. I probably shouldn't admit that, huh? Yikes. I'm juggling work, Jesse's new adventure, Will's tournament basketball team (basketball 5 x a week! seriously), Ellie's appointments as well as trying to encourage our little artsy "cream in our cookie" Lukey Lukester.

So in regards to Jesse's new adventure. I have to tell you a story. If you know me at all, then you know I'm very "woo woo". Jesse has had a dream of owning his own liquor store since he was a kid. I'm not kidding. While we all were playing "house", "cars" or "teacher", Jesse was playing "Liquor Store". He had a cash register and mini bottles that were his Grammy and Papa's. He would sell the mini bottles to his make-believe customers. Who does that!? 

He tried for over ten years to be appointed to a store. He was told no over and over again, but he never gave up. Finally this past September he opened his own store. He has been working 80+ hours a week and business is growing every day. He is truly good at what he does and watching him with his customers makes me so proud. 

Leading up to this we had many little angel winks, including Luke asking the Magic 8-Ball if daddy would get a store and it said "All Signs Point to Yes", my mom found a little black cocktail recipe book that was her dad's on the day Jesse found out he got the store. The first recipe in the book? "Angel's Kiss". Thanks Grandpa Lehne for the blessing! After feeling like maybe owning a store just wasn't meant to be it finally happened. 

I can't forget to mention that a psychic told me Jesse would get the store, hehehe. She nailed it. Too funny huh? Side note: she also said my dad plays songs for me and he loves that I notice. WOAH! Goosebumps! He plays songs for me all the time and you wouldn't believe the eye rolls I get when I mention that my dad in heaven is turning the radio dial. 

The Recipe Book, note the 3rd one down, LOL

Front of the Store

At Daddy's New Store

To make it even more fateful, Jesse and I met when we were 18 and lost contact at age 19. Guess where we were when we saw each other again 5 years later? You guessed it, the Liquor Store. That was where we rekindled our love! I have a whole story about that encounter but seriously, it's where it all began!

And now an update on the kids!

Will is 9 now and is doing really awesome at school. He is drawn to all things sports and plays soccer, basketball and baseball. Right now he's on a tournament basketball team and they got first place last weekend at their tournament! He is really tall and loves to compare his height to mine. His favorite things are playing outside especially with the neighbors and being a comedian 24/7. He is so much like his uncles that it creeps me out sometimes. 

Champs!

Oldest and Youngest

Luke is 7 and has been really exploring his artistic side. I'm so so proud of him! He has his own art instagram and has been doing the CHAP art classes every month. He is so creative and amazes me with his artistic ability. He was asked to be part of an online gallery called childish. I asked him if he wanted to do it, and he said he absolutely wanted to! So stay tuned to see his "Happy Trees" art being featured! He also had his first commissioned piece and made $10, he was pretty stoked!

Luke

Focused

Luke's "Mother and Baby" his first commissioned piece!

Ellie will be turning 4 in January. I can't even believe it, our baby! It's been a whirlwind trying to figure out what's going on with her legs. She still walks sideways and drags her smaller leg behind her. She's been to a couple of specialists and we are trying to determine if it could be Cerebral Palsy. Our last stop is the Neurologist and I'm just waiting to hear from them to make that appointment. She had thumb surgery in September which was a success also! 

After Thumb Surgery

She and I were in a documentary and that was fun to do together. I think it turned out pretty great and I can't wait to share that after the new year. She also had another photo shoot for Fred Meyer and looks so cute! This ad not only ran in the local Freddy's ads but in the Kroger ads nationwide! My friend Kelly in Texas picked me up a bunch of copies!

Latest Fred Meyer Ad

Ellie also did a calendar shoot for FACT with her Uncle Danny! He will be getting a framed copy of the ADORABLE pic for Christmas, I can't wait!! When I asked him if he could be a model with her, he said "Tiff, God answers prayers in ways we don't expect. I've been praying a lot lately and then you called me to tell me this!" Oh man he makes me smile!

FACT Calendar

Dressed up for Christmas Pics

So really the whole point of this post was really no point at all. I just thought I'd check in and write down what has been going on! I should mention that I have been a really really really bad friend, sister, daughter and wife lately and I'm sorry for that. I am so lucky though because most of you still love me. I'm terrible about setting up dates and checking in. It will get better I promise, once we get out of "survival mode" of owning a new business. And once I can get more than 5 hours of sleep a night! I'm tired! 

I also have to mention how grateful I am that my mom and mother-in-law have been so helpful and loving and supportive. Cooking meals, folding laundry, even cleaning toilets. Seriously big huge hugs and loves are going out to those ladies who keep me from completely losing my you-know-what. I love you! More than you know!

For this week's post I'm putting a very random but special song to our family. It is one that is often playing in the background when we are cooking dinner or hanging out. Every time I hear it I just think of my sweet little crew and it makes me smile. I'm getting a record player for Christmas and found this on vinyl for $2, it shipped yesterday. I can't wait to listen to it on Christmas day. Ahhh so excited!!!

xoxo

Angel From Montgomery - Bonnie Raitt & John Prine

How Can You Change the Face of Beauty??

Is your child a ham? Do they light up when they see a camera? Have you wondered what this whole Changing the Face of Beauty business is all about??

Well I am being totally serious when I say, send your child's photo in to your local agencies!!!! Do it! If Ellie can do it, your child can too!

Since Ellie has been booking modeling jobs I have received a lot of messages from other parents who want to know how to get started. I thought I would list the steps I took here for easy reference.

The first step I took was to google... I googled "child modeling agency" in the largest town near us. I had found two agencies that sounded good. I picked two photos of Ellie that I felt showed her "sparkle", one head shot and one full body shot. At that time Ellie wasn't walking so it ended up being a sitting photo, but it worked out just fine.

Here are the pictures I submitted:

When you submit your photos, there will most likely be an area in the form for comments. This is where I included the link to Changing the Face of Beauty, and I explained to the agencies why I am so passionate about CTFOB's mission. I also told them all about Ellie. 

Then I waited. I had submitted Ellie's photos in December and didn't hear back until March. One agency never called me back. But Puddletown did, and they have been absolutely wonderful to work with. You can see Ellie's talent profile here. We have had a lot of fun with the shoots Ellie has done for Hooray Haroo, Matilda Jane, and Fred Meyer.  She has a Fred Meyer ad that is supposed to run this week, so keep an eye out for it!

The posing. I wasn't going to add this tibit of information but I think it might be helpful. Since Ellie was tiny we have always had fun with her signature "model poses". Here she is as just a little nugget posing for me:

Just a few weeks ago my friend Joelle from Australia messaged me. Her beautiful daughter Josee Hope was asked to be a model for a company called Oobi. And not only a model, but the Unicorn Ambassador for their company - PERFECT!!! Joelle was nervous that Josee wouldn't pose for the camera. Here are some of the tips I shared with her:

The mirror: The mirror has helped us with Ellie's speech, teeth brushing, hair brushing, etc. We also would copy each other's faces in the mirror, so now she will copy any face that I do. It's a great place to start.

The iPad or phone: Letting your child videotape themselves making faces gives them instant gratification. This is another useful speech tool as a matter of fact!

Siblings/Mimicking. This one is HUGE. Mimicking and copying siblings has been a huge help in getting Ellie to do her poses. Even during her Matilda Jane shoot Ellie started to melt down, but then she watched Grandma Barb and copied her, you wonder where her sassy poses came from? 

So Joelle tried these tips with Josee who had never modeled professionally before. She absolutely ROCKED IT. You have to check her out, isn't she amazing??? Oobi Unicorn Ambassador Josee Hope

I was worried about whether modeling would be too time consuming for our crazy life. Honestly I wasn't sure if doing this would even be feasible since I work, but my mother-in-law has been a huge help, thank you Grammee!! She has taken Ellie to both of her Fred Meyer shoots, and the Matilda Jane shoots have been on the weekend, so I was able to take her! We are taking the jobs as they come and are figuring it out as we go. We don't know how long the modeling gigs will keep coming in so we have just decided to have fun in the process. We are also saving Ellie's money for her college fund!

As always, I am here to answer any questions you may have. Seeing children and adults of all abilities in the media is so, so important. It makes my heart swell with pride and excitement when I see more and more companies being involved. My hope is that someday it isn't a big deal and that it just "is", if that makes sense. 

Here are some of her latest photos that I love:

Her first Fred Meyer ad:

Behind the scenes at Matilda Jane:

The real deal, I think they turned out so great:

A few I took this morning:

For this post's song I'm going back to my high school roots (thanks to my niece Karley for rekindling my love for this music). Here is one of my faves from 20 years ago, and now it reminds me of my baby girl:

Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come

Beautiful - The Smashing Pumpkins

Fate Smiled

Oooh, I believe, fate smiled
And destiny laughed as you came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience, and with faith
She'll make her way...

I will never forget the day Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder" played in my kitchen. It had only been a week or so since Ellie was born when I really heard this song for the first time, with new ears. I almost fell to my knees listening to the lyrics and I truly believed that I was meant to hear that song, at that very moment. 

Today as I was brushing Ellie's hair into two little pig tails I couldn't help but think back to a little over 6 years ago. I was pregnant with Luke and it was when Jesse and I both had the dreams. The dreams about the little girl who was ours, with almond eyes and an extra chromosome. I will never forget those two pig tails and sweet smile. I can't believe that because of these dreams we made the decision to be done having children- as if to not "risk it". I had no idea of the little soul that was waiting up there for us. Waiting for that right moment to come down and be ours, to rock our world.

I am a true believer in serendipity, fate, and destiny. How could I not be? It was not a coincidence that Jesse and I both had dreams about Ellie. I look at the past two years, and the journey our life has taken. I think about the people I am meeting along the way, it doesn't feel like just any other ordinary connection. I look at my existing relationships and how they are deepening to a whole new level. There's something more to it, something extraordinary that is hard to put into words.

Today as I looked at my daughter; a sassy, opinionated, smart, beautiful 2 year old little girl, I realize she is exactly who she is meant to be. She completes our party of five and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't change her for the entire world. And I'm confident that she'll make her way.

That face!

Snuggles from her big brother Luke

But I want it now!

I had to include some drama queen photos!

Brotherly lovin'

My girl

Wonder - Natalie Merchant